Fibermania

If I had a TV Food Show

I confess I have been glued to the tube watching other people cook.

Giada's pair

There seems to be a prevalence for women with plunging necklines doing the cooking, like Nigella Lawson and Giada De Laurentiis.

Nigella that saucy wench

I have cooked while skimpily clad in my life, and have the burn marks to prove it. I'll stay covered up for my good health, and as a public service for the benefit of the viewer.


I think I will cook my famous Mushroom Soup for you today. Dave doesn't like mushrooms, or onions, and yet he likes this soup and soon you will see why. I begin with a red chopping block. Always a good idea. It hides the blood.

Before I chop the onions I sautee some bacon in the pan, with plenty of black pepper from a very tall hand painted (by me) pepper mill.

What the heck, bring 'em all out. The plain wooden one works better and the white one has fennel seeds in it, which adds a good something to anything frying in the pan.

Then chop the onion with abandon, or a knife. It doesn't matter how nice or sloppy the onion gets chopped. It all gets mushed in the food processor later anyway, and really haven't we seen a million onions chopped up on TV already?

Pour the chopped onion into the bacon rendering in the pan and pour the cook a glass of wine.

Peel as many garlic cloves as you like and smash 'em with the side of the knife. Into the pan they go, with the onions and bacon.

Using a clean $1 Home Depot paint brush, remove the dirt from the mushrooms before loading them into the food processor.

You could chop them individually, but what a waste of time that would be. They look the same when they are chopped in the processor.

So use your time wisely and have another glass of wine.

The mushrooms cook down to almost nothing anyway. Put them and the sauteed onions and garlic back in the processor and turn them all into indistinguishable paste. Good tasting paste that Dave will eat, but really not attractive to look at. Then you are ready to add the secret ingredients.

No. Not Sandra Lee's cleavage!

Finish with canned and boxed soup. What the heck. It tastes just as good and if you add the rest of the bottle of wine who could argue?

I have a feelin' I am out of a job at the Food Network.